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Tried to find anything about her in which he could remember exactly what had happened the night before. He remembered being at the party. His fraternity had thrown yet another party. Were always throwing a party. The brothers were nothing if not consistent. And he’d sat there in the smoky room watching all those people. Like he was watching a movie. He’d watched the college kids and he’d watched the townies. They were dancing he’d decided. Not dancing, but dancing: an interaction, a way of relating. He’d sat there with his beer in one hand and his cigarette in the other. Whatever he’d taken from Joel earlier in the night had left him a visitor in his own flesh. Emotionless and void, bringing him face to face with himself. It was frightening. He’d known then what his problem was. That evening’s epiphany. He was so fucking bored. So unbelievably fucking bored. He had become empty. Devoid of emotion. The girl had been across the room from him. She’d been drunk or high, or maybe like him. Forchange demands the person changed to manage, to cope. To fit the changeinto the interlocking tiny pieces of our daily lives. To discover howto continue when, looking within, there are no memories to help, noguidebooks to be found. When looking within I see: I am still me. If Iam changed, I still am me. How now will I learn to sit just so, to walkthis way, not that; to put this on, and that. Know this will be alrightbut that will never do at all. I do not know. The list of what I do notknow unrolls as quickly as spilled water races across the floor, andall I can do is gape. If I have changed, nothing else has: The book I read last night stillon the floor beside me, the trees, the wall, the corner of street thatI can see through my window just the same. Inside my closet, there arestill only the jeans, the khaki trousers, long-sleeve shirts, the darksuits I have always worn. In my dresser, only the boxers, socks andsweaters that were there before.I need -- well do I need? What do I.
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